


Batman vs. Opera Man

by loosenoodlepoodledoodle



Category: Ant-Man (Movies), Batman (Movies - Nolan), Batman (Movies 1989-1997), Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, DC Extended Universe, Justice League (2017), Weekend Update (SNL)
Genre: Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 05:03:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18958429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosenoodlepoodledoodle/pseuds/loosenoodlepoodledoodle
Summary: Opera Man has come to terrorize Gotham! Which Caped Crusader can stop his reign of terror?





	Batman vs. Opera Man

**Author's Note:**

> Adam Sandler was back on SNL like a month ago. I thought Opera Man was a funny bit, and unfortunately his faux singing got stuck in my head. This story is the end result.

               We begin our tale in downtown Gotham, at night. The people go about their evening, blissfully unaware of the danger lurking over their heads. It is… _OPERA MAN!_

               Opera Man, peering over the edge of a random, nondescript building, clears his irascible voice.

               “Ahem: _Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiiiiiii!!!!_ ”

               All of Gotham halts, gazing upward towards their doom.

_“Ben is sad-ah_

_D.C. so bad-ah_

_Every movie_

_Such a doozy_

_All the money_

_Is no fun-ah_

_When the Batfleck_

_Fails at drama!”_

               The people gasp, either at the brazen insult to the caped crusader or possibly my simplistic writing skills. Either way, the cops are called, and Commissioner Gordon lights up the Bat Signal. Soon, a familiar silhouette swoops in silently. But Opera Man sees him in time.

_“Oh, no! Woe is me!_

_The Killer Bat—is he!_

_Soon, I will see Mama,_

_Too bad her name’s not: MARTHA!”_

               The Batfleck winces in pain, victim of one of his many sordid memories. As he prepares to take out all his frustration on his opponent, Opera Man changes tactics.

_“Mattie Damon! MATTIE DAMON!_

_Where oh where are you at?_

_I’m about to die—at the hands of a flying rat!”_

               The Batfleck unleashes a Batarang, but Opera Man artfully dodges. The Batarang whistles through the air as it comes back and plonks The Batfleck on the nose. As it is a cheap movie prop and not a real weapon, this merely hurts but does no lasting damage. Opera Man continues.

_“At least Matt Damon_

_Got a cameo in the MCU!”_

               This proves too much for The Batfleck. Filled with jealousy, he plunges to his death head first. Commissioner Gordon turns the Bat Signal off and then on again. A new Dark Knight arrives to try his luck. But Opera Man is prepared!

_“Christian Bale-oooooo,_

_Quite the fellooooooow!_

_Preps for roles-ah_

_Goes through Hell-ah!_

_Through thick and thiiiiiin!_

_He wears his skiiiiin,_

_Like a serial killer!”_

               Bat-Bale panics at being exposed for his true nature and leaps off the rooftop. Christopher Nolan is not close enough to negate the laws of physics, so Bat-Bale dies. Commissioner Gordon desperately searches for replacements, but Val Kilmer is too fat and George Clooney won’t pick up the phone. That leaves only one option…

               The door to the rooftop bursts open and a very put-off Michael Keaton storms through.

               “You wanna get nuts! C’mon, let’s get nuts!”

               He is out of costume, instead wearing a gray and white plaid shirt and worn-out jeans. He looks a little drunk.

               “It’s showtime!”

               But Opera Man is a huge fan of Michael Keaton. He keeps his mouth shut, spreading his arms wide in readiness for an embrace. Michael Keaton is so delighted that he hugs Opera Man. They dance together, arm in arm for a couple minutes. Then Opera Man returns to his true nature.

_“Michael Keaton, Michael Keaton,_

_You no can fly, if you try, you-ah diiiiie.”_

               Michael Keaton leans in tenderly.

_“Michael Keaton, Michael Keaton,_

_Where have you a-been?_

_Nobody knows—‘cause he’s a has-be—”_

               Michael Keaton sucker-punches Opera Man. Opera Man recovers shockingly fast, and glides across to the next rooftop. Michael Keaton foolishly tries to follow him and plummets to his death. The crowd below is horrified. Opera Man gloats.

_“Bene trionfo,_

_Opera Man-o!_

_Mama always say:_

_You a man one day!_

_Back in old country!”_

               Opera Man is startled by a sudden flash of lightning. A crack of thunder stuns all. When everyone recovers, they are flabbergasted at who’s appeared on the rooftop.

               It’s the Force-Ghost of Adam West.

               “Son, I was Batman long before you were even a dot of sprunk in your daddy’s left nut. So do us all a favor, and shut the hell up! Haven’t you done enough damage?”

               But Opera Man had not. How could he possibly make up for twenty-four years of absence? One night of slung shade on SNL would never be enough. He would unmake the world if he had to.

               Unfortunately, he had not done any research on Adam West, so his voice was of little use. Instead, they drew lightsabers and fought like the fate of the world depended on it. Which it did.

_“Mercy! Mercy, Adam West!”_

               “Never! All those Bat-men you killed? Now I have to keep them company in the afterlife! It’s awful!”

 _“_ But—but _—but senior-ah!_

_You can’t do this!_

_I am more than_

_Just a man-ah!_

_Italiano_

_Prince of Darkness!”_

               “You’re no Prince of Darkness! Ha! I’ve played Bridge with Him!”

               No matter how hard he tried, Opera Man could not harm the ghost of Adam West. It was only a matter of time before West found a way through Opera Man’s plot armor.

_“Non! Nein! Nyet!_

_Opera Man’s not beaten yet!”_

               “I’ll drag you to Hell!” sang West.

_“Wingardium Leviosa!_

_Or did old man forget!”_

               Adam West did not forget, as he lived a heck of a lot longer than I had realized while writing this. Opera Man uses his out-of-place spell to flip over his foe. As Adam West tenses up for the killing strike—he was ready to cut Opera Man in half as he landed—he is shocked by what happens next.

               Opera Man flicks his wrist while in mid-air, finally landing a hit on West’s lightsaber, the only vulnerable point he has. West’s blade instantly disappears, and he disappointedly returns to the afterlife to await more card games with dead celebrities.

               Opera Man shuts off his lightsaber in triumph.

               _“Si, si, finito!_

 _Opera Man, Bye byyyyy_ —AUGH!!!”

               Suddenly, before finishing his signature farewell, Opera Man keels over, clutching his ass. He explodes violently as Ant-Man grows to normal size.

               “Eww, gross,” says Scott Lang. Shaking off the blood and gore, he mugs for the camera.

               “Remember, kids! Never let a good meme go to waste!”


End file.
